We are funny creatures. The way we depend on everything around us, on stars alignment, on weather, on the energies stuck in a place. Always connected to everything, made from the same material…it’s so frustrating.
I want to feel different. I want to be able to change my emotional state that I have right now with a more cheerful one. A serene, cheerful one. I want this pain that I feel inside my heart to vanish away.
No, nothing important happened. Only small things, regular things that happen to everyone all the time. Only that I woke up in this bad mood. And everything that comes after seems to follow the line. Bad.
Today is Halloween. In some country it is “the day of the dead”. In my country it is said the gates of the sky open. They can come on the Earth and we can go there. Pretty strange. And scary.
For me the only problem I had in this period of the year are my dreams. Sometimes lucid dreams, sometimes vivid dreams and tons and tons of regular dreams.
From last night I remember regular dreams, some with some dead relatives (my grandpa) and a nightmare.
A horrible nightmare in which I went on a trip in an Arab country and at return I was in the plane and could not find my husband, whom I had left to pack our luggage. There was a strange plane, with different rooms and I started searching for him till I got out of the plane, without realizing it.
The plane took off and I remained there with nothing, not even a phone or a dollar. I realized another charter from my country will arrive after a week and as expected I started to panic.
In that moment I knew I was dreaming (got lucid) and thought that I can turn this dream into my favor. But the terror was so big that I chose to wake up. And I did.
Feeling as horrible as I felt in the dream. Feeling just like this picture.
Why can we just break the connection with that state, at will? Why don’t I have the power to decide how I feel and I have to be always influenced by everything else?
It is said the trick is to do things that you like.
Yeap. I ate chocolate pudding.
I can search the tourism agencies to see what Greek island to choose for the next summer vacation. But it’s hard to move. Or I can look through some shopping online shops.
I can do some things.
Yet, I don’t. It requires energy and I don’t have it.
And the same obsessive question that pops up in moments like these: What’s the point?
………..
I need to come back to the tricks. Do something, no matter what. Listen to music. Play something. Write something. And be confident that it will pass. In time.
And again I remember one thing I read in one of Dolores Canon book, I think it was Convoluted Universe 4:
Life on Earth is about emotions and limitations.
But sometimes these limitations suffocate me.
Last minute idea: see a movie.