I am NOT in control. Of anything.
It came to me as a profound frustration and a deeper disappointment. And it all started while watching a TV series “The Affair”. I do recommend the movie, not because it has plenty of sex or because it openly shows real life in its raw form, but because it makes you realize how things can be ruined in a second, how we are never satisfied with what we have and mostly, how things just happen to us.
I mean, most of the time, we make decisions that came to us. We simply explain them later. “I was unsatisfied with my life, I was tired, I was bored, I was attracted, I was overwhelm…” A psychologist can make a long list of unresolved things that were at the bottom of your behavior, it can explain everything to you and eventually absolve you of your guilt.
But what comes out (or, at least, this is what the movie relieved to me) is that we are like little worms, struggling in our daily swamp. You can have titles, you can be smart, you can be kind. We are all struggling with things that are given to us.
The man that has an affair and destroys his family with 4 children, is basically in his middle-age crises. Come on, let’s be honest, the man acts in accordance with the signals sent by his body.
The girl is miserable and thus mysterious and attractive. His hormones are awaken.
Like little unseen demons that take control of everything, giving him the illusion that he takes the decisions. His hormones did that.
You may say that things happen first in the brain and then the body reacts accordingly. You see the girl, you like her, you feel pity, you feel an unexplained attraction, you are emphatic and then you love her. Then the hormones.
But is not like that. It never is.
Since the moment we are born, our body follows its route, its development, without our approve. When we are teenagers we fall in love and start to experience all emotions connecting to love. All these emotions are given and controlled by our hormones and body. And all the other connectors and energies and chemical substances that I don’t know and cannot name.
At every stage of our life we follow the way designed by our body. It’s frustrating and sad.
Do you know how dramatically a person changes when he or she is sick?
Physical pain and continuous sufferance change a person. My father was so sick in the last years of his life and became so mean to my mom… Not to me. But she was always on the verge of leaving him.
I know it doesn’t sound true to anybody. I’m not trying to convince anybody that this is the truth. We are so used to analyze and make decisions, with our brain, that is basically imposible to accept that your thoughts were induced by hormones and reactions in your body.
We all follow a pattern and I doubt there is even possible to make a decision outside of our body. Only with our conscious.
how can we even do that, if we use chemical substances to function. If we need a physical brain to issue thoughts. We are the product of our body. We, the inner self. Me, the one who’s typing right now.
If we are conducted by our subconscious, which is said to be the boss of our body, when we are first born, why do we assume that when we are 30 or 40 we are the masters? It’s stupid. Our so called maturity makes us arrogant.
You will be cold if you have hypothyroidism. It’s simple. And sad. If you have inflammation in your body, you are very close to depression. That is not my call, not my decision. And still happens.
We are so not in control….
All these factors make me.
My diseases, my hormones, my general state of health, the irradiation all around us, microwave, electromagnetism, 5G stuff, bad chemicals in our food, bad drinks, bad air…
I mean, I understand when my boss yells at me and I start crying and depression comes, but when I feel incredibly fine for 2 months and one day I wake up and feel like the whole weight of Earth is on my chest and I simply don’t want to even open my mouth to speak… how can this be explained?
Depression is a vicious, tricky monster. If it came once, it would come again. One sunny day, when you least expect it.
Out of the blue, leaving you no time to prepare, with all its power.
You are the most happiest and satisfied person and the next day everything seems so far away and so meaningless. You start looking at everything you enjoyed yesterday and don’t understand their meaning.
Like an out of the body experience, you look at yourself and cannot care less.
My body is my master.
In fact, it’s a vicious circle, a never ending circle, my body influence me and my thoughts and feelings comes back and influence my body.
I suppose “the Eastern Masters” can control their body. Yoga says that and all their stories and documents. They practice the power of though so much that they eventually become able to influence the functions of their body.
It is possible. But is not for the commoner. Not for me.
All the stupid things that our motivational speakers of today keep on telling us are simple bullshit. We are living normal lives, in normal bodies, with normal jobs and normal expectations. Their lists of “living a happy life” rules are hilarious.
Think positive, repeat affirmations, live in the moment………… Give me a break. Escaping reality by imagining things and hypnotizing ourselves is not living.
Oh, speaking of hormones…
Women are the most vulnerable. I mean, imagine that we are subject to them every day. Every month our period comes. Then, after several days we are ovulating. Everyday is different from the hormones point of view. And they are the ones that also induce our desire for sex.
In a married couple, hormones are playing in the woman’s disadvantage. A woman wants to have sex only for several days per month. Really guys. It’s not the headache. We don’t just fake orgasms just like that. We care for you and please you. That’s it.
A man? 🙂 He wants sex each and every day.
Of course he will look at other woman, of course his hormones will drive him nuts.
And what will a couple do?
Will get caught in the daily stressful life, with jobs and lack of time. And blame something else.
…………..
I am so tired. I feel it coming to embrace me. Depression, yes.
I should probably start lying myself with stupid affirmations and look for something to do to keep my mind occupied.
Complaining here doesn’t help. And again, I don’t care.
I’ve finished another bag of candies.
Life cannot be explained by a human mind. We find ourselves in the middle of it, trapped between happiness and misery, bumping our heads on either of them. Life has no human logic, no human fairness, no humanity what so ever. Humans were released here, like in a prison, in a place where we cannot make a decision out of our own determination – one that was not induced by organic (material, chemical, you name it) substances. A decision made by consciousness alone.
I am not sure of any of my reactions now. Of any of my feelings. They happened and I thought I made them. But I am merely a puppet.