Category: Personal blog

Trusting fate. Or, how to accept everything that comes.

If I tell this to a Christian, he/she won’t understand. Of course we accept everything that comes in our life. It is what God wants. As simple as that.

If I tell this to a Buddhist, he /she, again, won’t understand. Of course we accept everything that comes in our life. It is karma. We cannot escape karma.

If I tell this to modern spiritual people, who believe in Source or Universe or those that believe only in science and reason, accepting everything that comes into their life doesn’t come easy. See, they judge. They expect the world to respect certain laws. Especially moral laws. (Ancient Greeks are to blame here. They invented them in the first place!)

If Australia is on fire now, it is because of people playing around with weather, or the climate change due to carbon emissions. They would try to reason everything. There are fires every year, but this year’s hotter, drier conditions are making the country’s fire season longer and harder to contain. There are record temperatures. The average was 40.9 C.  The worst drought in decades.

But Christians will say God is punishing them for something and beg (as usual) for forgiveness. And Buddhists will say it’s collective karma, and accept as it is. (at least they won’t beg)

It seems to me it is better to be a Buddhist. But Buddha said we should follow our own path, find our own way in life. Buddhism is a way of living. A lifestyle if you wish.
And like Buddha himself did, when he gave up his title, I will follow no one and find my own truth.

Not an easy choice in this tough world. No one to blame, no one to beg to.

At a difficult time in my life I read his book “Many lives, many masters”.

The author, Dr Brian Weiss, a nonspiritual, scientific psychiatrist who will later become a psychotherapist, comes to understand lifetimes – regression therapy. And we come to understand it, as well. The story is absolutely beautiful, it’s a novel, not a therapy book. And God has a place in this book, too. Please read it, you won’t regret it.

Anyway, on FB, my dear Dr. Brian Weiss, wrote the following:

“Our lives may have many obstacles and much pain. But sometimes a soul will choose a challenging lifetime in order to accelerate its spiritual progress, or as an act of love to help others who are also going through a difficult lifetime. A hard life is not a punishment, but rather an opportunity for growth and love.”

This is beyond God’s will and beyond karma.

It’s the soul’s choice.

I, as a soul, while staying in the spiritual world, choose a very tough future life in order to accelerate my spiritual growth! WOW!
Or, I  choose a very tough life in order to help my loved ones.

Yeah, and this reminded me of my own therapist, who said my son and I had a previous agreement and he came into my life for exact 7 years in order to push me on my spiritual growth.

I hated it that.

It was much easier for me to believe that in my previous past lives I did terrible things, killed people, tortured them, kill the planet, be Hitler or Mao, and now deserve what happens to me.

It is easier to accept it is karma, or God playing around as he likes (following mysterious ways a mortal will never understand). But to accept that I myself decided to suffer as hell, in order to be, what, smarter? Wiser ?

Feelings are more powerful than knowledge. In this world, this terrestrial world, I would never chose to suffer in order to be more spiritually evolved. It must be different in the astral world. Or spiritual world, or whatever its name is. If there is need for a name.

But here comes dr Brian Weiss to remind me of this.

“A hard life is not a punishment, but rather an opportunity for growth and love.” – tell this to a raped little girl. Tell this to homeless people. Tell this to a mother who lost her 7 yo boy to cancer.

Because, dear dr Weiss, your teachings are for spiritually evolved people, those who already have been through hell and now understand your language. Not them.

Anyway, anything is possible. This is what I have definitely learnt during this spiritual growth of mine. I do hope my son’s death was not in vain and that I have raised myself to his and my expectations.

Love you.

I am NOT in control. Of anything.

It came to me as a profound frustration and a deeper disappointment. And it all started while watching a TV series “The Affair”. I do recommend the movie, not because it has plenty of sex or because it openly shows real life in its raw form, but because it makes you realize how things can be ruined in a second, how we are never satisfied with what we have and mostly, how things just happen to us. 

I mean, most of the time, we make decisions that came to us. We simply explain them later. “I was unsatisfied with my life, I was tired, I was bored, I was attracted, I was overwhelm…” A psychologist can make a long list of unresolved things that were at the bottom of your behavior, it can explain everything to you and eventually absolve you of your guilt.

But what comes out (or, at least, this is what the movie relieved to me) is that we are like little worms, struggling in our daily swamp. You can have titles, you can be smart, you can be kind. We are all struggling with things that are given to us.

The man that has an affair and destroys his family with 4 children, is basically in his middle-age crises. Come on, let’s be honest, the man acts in accordance with the signals sent by his body.
The girl is miserable and thus mysterious and attractive. His hormones are awaken.

Like little unseen demons that take control of everything, giving him the illusion that he takes the decisions. His hormones did that.

You may say that things happen first in the brain and then the body reacts accordingly. You see the girl, you like her, you feel pity, you feel an unexplained attraction, you are emphatic and then you love her. Then the hormones.

But is not like that. It never is.

Since the moment we are born, our body follows its route, its development, without our approve. When we are teenagers we fall in love and start to experience all emotions connecting to love. All these emotions are given and controlled by our hormones and body. And all the other connectors and energies and chemical substances that I don’t know and cannot name.

At every stage of our life we follow the way designed by our body. It’s frustrating and sad.

Do you know how dramatically a person changes when he or she is sick?

Physical pain and continuous sufferance change a person. My father was so sick in the last years of his life and became so mean to my mom… Not to me. But she was always on the verge of leaving him.

I know it doesn’t sound true to anybody. I’m not trying to convince anybody that this is the truth. We are so used to analyze and make decisions, with our brain, that is basically imposible to accept that your thoughts were induced by hormones and reactions in your body.

We all follow a pattern and I doubt there is even possible to make a decision outside of our body. Only with our conscious.

how can we even do that, if we use chemical substances to function. If we need a physical brain to issue thoughts. We are the product of our body. We, the inner self. Me, the one who’s typing right now.

If we are conducted by our subconscious, which is said to be the boss of our body, when we are first born, why do we assume that when we are 30 or 40 we are the masters? It’s stupid. Our so called maturity makes us arrogant.

You will be cold if you have hypothyroidism. It’s simple. And sad. If you have inflammation in your body, you are very close to depression. That is not my call, not my decision. And still happens.

We are so not in control….

All these factors make me.
My diseases, my hormones, my general state of health, the irradiation all around us, microwave, electromagnetism, 5G stuff, bad chemicals in our food, bad drinks, bad air…

I mean, I understand when my boss yells at me and I start crying and depression comes, but when I feel incredibly fine for 2 months and one day I wake up and feel like the whole weight of Earth is on my chest and I simply don’t want to even open my mouth to speak… how can this be explained?

Depression is a vicious, tricky monster. If it came once, it would come again. One sunny day, when you least expect it.

Out of the blue, leaving you no time to prepare, with all its power.
You are the most happiest and satisfied person and the next day everything seems so far away and so meaningless. You start looking at everything you enjoyed yesterday and don’t understand their meaning.

Like an out of the body experience, you look at yourself and cannot care less.

My body is my master.

In fact, it’s a vicious circle, a never ending circle, my body influence me and my thoughts and feelings comes back and influence my body.

I suppose “the Eastern Masters” can control their body. Yoga says that and all their stories and documents. They practice the power of though so much that they eventually become able to influence the functions of their body.

It is possible. But is not for the commoner. Not for me.

All the stupid things that our motivational speakers of today keep on telling us are simple bullshit. We are living normal lives, in normal bodies, with normal jobs and normal expectations. Their lists of “living a happy life” rules are hilarious.

Think positive, repeat affirmations, live in the moment………… Give me a break. Escaping reality by imagining things and hypnotizing ourselves is not living.

Oh, speaking of hormones…

Women are the most vulnerable. I mean, imagine that we are subject to them every day. Every month our period comes. Then, after several days we are ovulating. Everyday is different from the hormones point of view. And they are the ones that also induce our desire for sex.

In a married couple, hormones are playing in the woman’s disadvantage. A woman wants to have sex only for several days per month. Really guys. It’s not the headache. We don’t just fake orgasms just like that. We care for you and please you. That’s it.

A man? 🙂 He wants sex each and every day.

Of course he will look at other woman, of course his hormones will drive him nuts.
And what will a couple do?
Will get caught in the daily stressful life, with jobs and lack of time. And blame something else.

…………..

I am so tired. I feel it coming to embrace me. Depression, yes.
I should probably start lying myself with stupid affirmations and look for something to do to keep my mind occupied.

Complaining here doesn’t help. And again, I don’t care.
I’ve finished another bag of candies.

Life cannot be explained by a human mind. We find ourselves in the middle of it, trapped between happiness and misery, bumping our heads on either of them. Life has no human logic, no human fairness, no humanity what so ever. Humans were released here, like in a prison, in a place where we cannot make a decision out of our own determination – one that was not induced by organic (material, chemical, you name it) substances. A decision made by consciousness alone.

I am not sure of any of my reactions now. Of any of my feelings. They happened and I thought I made them. But I am merely a puppet.

Suffering means injustice, right? I suffer because an injustice has been done to me.
This is correct.
I’m depressed because somebody or something caused me to be depressed. A wrong was done to me.

There are situations when we understand we started the problem, we provoked it and then it came back to us. There are situations when we understand we are to blame for what happened but even though, we feel that things should have been different, people should have understood we meant no harm.

I can find lots of excuses for my misbehavior, I was tired, I was upset, I was at my period, I was thirsty, I was too hot, the stars were against, I was short of money, I was jealous, I was preoccupied, I was worried about you and so on.
Why couldn’t you see it?

But I was wrong?
No.

Why are we never wrong?

Again, I can give lots of explanations:
1. I’m smart. – of course this is the first one, everybody thinks is smart.
2. I know I’m right. I have this feeling inside myself, it comes from my entire body, I just know I’m right.
3. I have lots of experience. I’ve been here before, I know how this ends.
4. I’m old. Old enough to know. You are young and inexperienced, you should listen to me.
5. I’ve been to school. I learned about this, I read a lot, I talked to professors and I know.
6. My parents and my teachers taught me. They great people (or not, it doesn’t matter) and this is how they shaped me.
7. Even if I don’t really know too much on this subject, I’m intuitive and correlate easily and you should rely on my opinion. More then on your own.

How have I get to be that confident? 

Let’s be honest and admit it. We are the product of the environment. (Remember Bruce Lipton?) We were born and immediately the environment started to color and shape our personalities. Fathers beat us and taught us to beat.  Mothers cried and taught to cry.  Teachers taught us to obey and memorize futile things, taught us to listen to the rules some others created.  Couches taught to compete. To strive for the best. To win in order to be happy. To raise money to be happy.

Think about. We all live inside rules, regulations and beliefs.
I was taught to believe something and in something.

Christians say you should believe in the almighty God. Otherwise… well, you’re punished, of course, and sent to hell. Although there is the ironic situation of the proclaimed Good God (??) which rules the world. And while we clearly see the poverty, the wars, the rapes, the murders, the injustice made to innocent and pure people, we keep on saying GOOD Lord.
We are taught to believe this. God is good. Obey to him.

Oriental people believe in karma. They were taught that if you do good you will receive good. If you do bad, the bad will come back to you. That’s a law you know in your bones, even if you sometimes choose to forget.

Can you believe this?

Everything you know, everything you believe was put there, in you, by somebody else.
All your interactions formed you. A cumulus of principles, beliefs, rules.
Who are you? Are you a who or a what?

Everybody is wrong. And everybody is right.

Are you laughing at this picture?
Well, you shouldn’t. Because this applies in life everywhere. From where I stand things look differently from where you stand. Who’s right in this picture?
Neither of them. Everybody is right then?

As a judge, can you tell who’s right? Can you place yourself exactly above that figure and say who’s right?
Of course not. Because staying exactly above, the figure cease to be a figure. It’s a strange sign, that says nothing. The realities of these persons cease to exist.

Reality is created through our own eyes. We cannot possible have any idea how could it be without an eye to look at it.

So, guess what? You are not right.
And even if you are right and did right, the person who hurt you is not necessarily wrong. He can be right as well. Actually,  from his point of view, he is. And just like you, it will present you the 7 explanation list of him being right.

Is this yet another reason to be depressed?

yeah…

Nothing is actually real. Nothing steady. God is different and unreliable. The universe is changing, moving, illusory.

You are just a leaf in the wind. I am another leaf.

The optimists would say “ok then, let’s enjoy it as it is. So what if is not steady? What if there is no such thing as right or wrong?! We still can enjoy it as it is”.
I hate optimists.

Coming back to my first idea. I suffer because something wrong was done to me.
Maybe if I understand the stupid rules that make the world function, I could be able to adjust and stop the suffering. But as we cannot do that, everybody invented a certain pack of rules, yogis, Christians, Muslims and tried to obey them.  But are they real. Who knows?

The world was made without windows. There is no way we can see the whole picture from the inside. And my current and never-ending problem seems to be that I think I’m right.  And this is your problem, too. And everyone else’s.

Now here is a TED video from 2011 that I’ve seen today, which totally pleased me. What do you think? It showed me that I was right!!  To believe that I may be wrong….
Hilarious, I know.

If I am depressed does this mean I am mentally ill?

Neah…  I don’t think so.

I don’t feel it like it. It’s a disease of the soul, not of the brain, science should just give me a break.
Science has never felt it if it says so. Really, when your heart literary breaks and sinks into a complete black hole, when all thoughts disappear and all that is left is nothing, how can this be a disease of the brain?

But they say it’s a mental disorder.  And affects more than 300 million people of all ages worldwide. All ages.  Really? Nearly 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men experience depression during their lifetime.  Does this mean they are all mentally ill? That’s hilarious because it could then be very well considered a normal state.  Which in fact, I do think it is.

Depression is in my opinion a regular state of mind. Just like happiness. I mean, nobody would ever say happiness is a mental disorder.  “Hey you, why are you laughing all the time? Why are you so positive? Why do you trust yourself so much? Why do you enjoy everything? – You are definitely mentally ill!”

People are used to label negative things/feeling as being wrong. Bad. Sick. Well, for me this is wrong!

If nobody says winter is bad because is the opposite of warm, vegetation, pleasant things that summer offers us, and try to enjoy it for its different beauty, then why not apply this judgement to all other things in our life?

Yes, I am depressed, but not mentally ill. Let me just be depressed!

Here is a good one: “The higher incidence of depression in women has been attributed to differences in sex hormones, physical strength, personality traits, and exposure to stressors. ”

So there are more mentally ill women than mentally ill men. Due to hormones. Really? Do you hear yourselves? How about because of hard lives they are forced to live? How about because of discrimination, of the difficulties in bearing and raising children, of putting up with men’s superiority and physical power?

Depression is different from being depressed.

It’s rather difficult (have you notice how many times I said “difficult” here? well, my shrink would say this is a sign of being pessimist! ) to draw a line between depression and being depressed.

Who can say when being depressed ends and when depression installs?

You are entitled to be depressed if you have suffered the loss of a loved one or pet, have been in a financial crisis, or a relationship failure. If your lover dumped you or cheated on you, if he died or if he betrayed you somehow. (your expectations, in fact.)

But when things come back to normal (who says it is time to come back to normal? who says when it is time to stop morning after somebody?) when enough time has passed and statistically speaking you should have recovered from that state of depression, you, a mentally healthy person ought to come back to your state from before depression.

If this doesn’t happen then you have depression. A mental disorder.

Here is what they say: “Clinical depression, on the other hand, prolongs that period of sadness, not allowing you to recognize a positive change in your circumstances.”

To recognize a positive change in your circumstances! – that’s a good one.

Here is a piece of news for all of you. You DO recognize this positive change, you see it, but it doesn’t touch you anymore. It doesn’t mean anything to you anymore.  It’s there, good, so what?

This is being depressed and having depression all together.  It’s seeing the sun, liking the sun, it’s seeing your child and loving your child, is seeing your loved one and loving it. It’s being able to laugh and enjoy a party, yet remain far far away.

If this is depression, ok, it is depression. If this is mentally ill, no, I don’t think so. I am still a functional person. I have my moments, like every other healthy person, when I am really sad, and don’t want to see or do anything. But these pass. Fortunately. 🙂  And then my regular state comes back. When I function properly but I remain far far away from the heart of things.

But does this makes my brain ill? My mental ill? How can they even say which one is this? When one stops and the other starts?

If you are able to be happy, but the happiness doesn’t touch your soul, this is depression. Yet, this is not a disorder of the mental. It’s of the soul. Why doesn’t the science just get it?

Oh, I know, because they haven’t yet invented a soul medicine. They cannot say “your soul is ill. Here is a pill to make you healthy again!” – that would be so funny…

All they can do and prescribe stupid and harmful drugs is to say “you are mentally ill”! Here is a drug that it would destroy your brain so hard that you won’t know what’s wrong with you!
Don’t fall into this trap!

You are depressed, but it’s ok. Don’t fight it. Embrace it. Let it tell you what it wants to tell you. Listen to your soul, it will speak to you without words.

It’s not a mental disease. Don’t believe them. Approach your problem from a different prospective. Let it be the way it is. A part of you. All you need to do is live with it.

Be the winter you are. Don’t deny it. You will never bring summer with Xanax.
We people should simply accept that we are different. Like all nature is.

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Featured picture via Pixabay.com under CC

We are funny creatures. The way we depend on everything around us, on stars alignment, on weather, on the energies stuck in a place. Always connected to everything, made from the same material…it’s so frustrating.

I want to feel different. I want to be able to change my emotional state that I have right now with a more cheerful one. A serene, cheerful one. I want this pain that I feel inside my heart to vanish away.

No, nothing important happened.  Only small things, regular things that happen to everyone all the time. Only that I woke up in this bad mood. And everything that comes after seems to follow the line. Bad.

Today is Halloween. In some country it is “the day of the dead”. In my country it is said the gates of the sky open. They can come on the Earth and we can go there. Pretty strange. And scary.

For me the only problem I had in this period of the year are my dreams. Sometimes lucid dreams, sometimes vivid dreams and  tons and tons of regular dreams.
From last night I remember regular dreams, some with some dead relatives (my grandpa) and a nightmare.

A horrible nightmare in which I went on a trip in an Arab country and at return I was in the plane and could not find my husband, whom I had left to pack our luggage. There was a strange plane, with different rooms and I started searching for him till I got out of the plane, without realizing it.

The plane took off and I remained there with nothing, not even a phone or a dollar. I realized another charter from my country will arrive after a week and as expected I started to panic.

In that moment I knew I was dreaming (got lucid) and thought that I can turn this dream into my favor. But the terror was so big that I chose to wake up. And I did.

Feeling as horrible as I felt in the dream. Feeling just like this picture.

Why can we just break the connection with that state, at will? Why don’t I have the power to decide how I feel and I have to be always influenced by everything else?

It is said the trick is to do things that you like.
Yeap. I ate chocolate pudding.

I can search the tourism agencies to see what Greek island to choose for the next summer vacation. But it’s hard to move. Or I can look through some shopping online shops.

I can do some things.
Yet, I don’t. It requires energy and I don’t have it.

And the same obsessive question that pops up in moments like these: What’s the point?
………..

I need to come back to the tricks. Do something, no matter what. Listen to music. Play something. Write something. And be confident that it will pass. In time.

And again I remember one thing I read in one of Dolores Canon book, I think it was Convoluted Universe 4:

Life on Earth is about emotions and limitations. 

But sometimes these limitations suffocate me.

Last minute idea: see a movie.